It's a gamble, double down or don't

My entire life can  be summed by one strategy: risk avoidance.  This year is about going all in.  Everything I do.  No more tacit toe dipping full submersion trust that the air will be there when I need it.  I was cleaning out my storage and I had to recognize how ridiculous it was that I had wasted all this money on a storage space when I had lived with my boyfriend for over 2 years.  2 extremely blissful years and I still hadn't moved in.  Holding back has held me back I haven't been growing emotionally.  In this spirit I did something I never thought I'd do...I took communion.  This isn't some weird sacrilegious thing.  I've just started going to church for the first time ever not just as an adult but like as a human person and the pastor told everyone to partake and I just went for it.  It was way weird but I love my church; it is packed to the rafters with genteel elderly white people.  The hyper liberal lady pastor wears open toed shoes but she gives one heck of a sermon.

The long black night, the morning frost

As adults we have this tendency to look at childhood like a fairytale.  We convince ourselves that those people, events, and places were merely 'story' real.  All these things existed just not the way we remember them.  We rationalize and sanitize our past, "that hurt only seemed big because I was so little." Maybe not.  We rush to make excuses for ourselves, "I didn't have the accurate vocabulary to correctly describe what happened." You did. We did. yelling.poor.alone.sad.drugs.fear.  These were real things, refusing to acknowledge them doesn't unmake them.  I'm done passing around the easy lie of "my childhood wasn't that bad."  It was and that is ok because I am still here.

I will never outrun my past I will always carry these events with me.  I will always be wary of men.  They were animals to me.  Inscrutable, impressive mimics and they look silly in clothes.  I have such a great boyfriend but I will never be able to fully trust him.  Even when I'm at my worst just anxiety and depression  have completely consumed me he just holds tight.  We generally can't sleep in the same bed because of my night flails but last night was impossibly bad so he settled in.  It was actually nice he just curved himself around me and let me cry didn't ask any questions and it was the first time I felt safe all day.

adventures in home makery

There's a lot to be said for having your first boyfriend at 24. You get skip over all the bullshit get down to the self reflexive scary stuff.  After living together for a little over a year I've come to terms with the fact I've made yet to make myself "at home".  It's not something I've ever done before.  Growing up home was an entirely different four letter word.  It was unstable and scary and instilled in me this fear of settling down.  I had to feel like I could pack up and dip out at anytime that was the only way to be safe.  But I'm not going anywhere and acknowledging that fact is fucking my shit up. While saying you're fully committed is one thing but like making yourself emotionally available is horrifying. So I've decided to to try to turn this shitty little house into a crappy little home.  Wish me luck

I suggest you stop reading.........now

Once I walked into a ladies room where I noticed a woman was crying in the stall.  I was immediately struck by this, not because another human being was in pain and would have benefited from the tiniest amount of comfort but rather she had also taken a shit and the figuring out the order sent my mind reeling.  This example best illustrates the exact kind of person I am.

I'm working on it (this is what people say when they know they should be sorry but aren't sorry)

I am a 27 year old adolescent